I usually do not feel like I relate a lot of super personal feelings on my blog. But for some reason today, I just need to type this all out. Sorry for the personal-ness of all this. This feelings come from deep within my heart. Here we go with the heartaches and happiness.
Life is always full of trials along with the good times. Lately, it seems like the good times have been gooder (can I use that made up word ? :) ) and the hard times have been harder. I will name a few happy things and heartaches that have been part of our life lately.
Heartache: Not getting into grad school. Blaine and I felt so sure that we would get in. I had cleaned and de-junked our entire house and packed up things we were not using just so we would be ready for that last minute phone call. We kept waiting for that miracle email or phone call. But it never came.
Happiness: Being okay with where we are now. I admit that I have had moments of not putting my trust in the Lord and His plan for my little family. Just a few weeks ago, when I was feeling down and frustrated, I was doing the dishes. I had this overwhelming feeling of peace come over me. I realized that I am okay with how life is now. I am okay and I feel peace. I find peace in the things I know for sure. The things I know for sure right now do not include what the next step in our life is. But I do know that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and my little family, and I know He is aware of us. I know that when everything comes together, (and I know it will), that I will understand why we felt sooo good about grad school this year to have it not work out. I know that I have a Savior, who is really my best friend. It is times like this when I realize that He knows me perfectly and understands fully my heartache and uncertainty. He also lifts me up to higher planes, and helps me find peace and joy in uncertain times. He also provided me a way to repent of my untrust in Heavenly Father on my weaker days.
Heartache: My newlywed friend losing her husband to cancer. It always hard for me to hear of people that die. It is especially hard for me to hear about people who just died from or are dying from cancer. I think the feelings of losing a loved one to cancer hit home because I lost my mother to cancer. I never really felt that sick-to-the-gut feeling when I lost my mother. I know Heavenly Father blessed me with an overwhelming peace. I always get the sick-to-the-gut feeling when I hear of others dying from cancer.
Last year a cute newlywed couple moved into our ward. The husband, who we'll call J had brain cancer and was in a wheel chair. Over the last year, I have become more acquainted and friends with the wife, B. It has been hard for me to watch him get worse and worse. Two months ago, J was not able to continue his chemo treatments due to other health problems. Hospice came in and they gave J only a short time to live.
Because I am in the primary presidency in my ward, I had the opportunity on a couple of occasions to take a group of primary kids, at J's request, and sing primary songs to him as he lay sick and dying in a bed. I felt peace as we went there.
A couple of weeks ago, J passed away. I don't know why it has been so hard for me to see him go, but it has. After the funeral, I was supposed to help with setting up things for the funeral luncheon. I found myself having a hard time setting up each chair, almost on the verge of tears. I walked by the table where the pictures of J were, and I couldn't hold it in anymore. Tears streamed down my face as I looked at the pictures of J & B's wedding day and learned more about J's life. I left after that, probably earlier than I should have, but I just couldn't be there anymore. I felt so sad.
Happiness: Seeing that same friend, B, be so gracious through her husband's passing. Even though I have felt sad, I have learned a great deal about being gracious from watching B. She is the most positive person. She was always so thankful and grateful when we would go to sing to J. She allowed people into her life during a hard time, which I am not always very good at.
Reading her facebook page and her blog is so inspiring. Yes, she shares her deepest, saddest feelings. Then she points out all the blessing she has and bares her testimony about the things she does know. After the funeral, B moved to California to be with her family. I will miss having B and J in our ward. I will miss seeing B and learning from her. I am happy that I got have her a part of my life for a short time. I know she will continue to do great things wherever she goes.
Heartache: Our dishwasher doesn't really work. They put a really cheap dishwasher into our apartment. It is not necessarily broken, but it just doesn't work like a good dishwasher. If there is any food that is left on the dishes, it doesn't drain. It just swirls around and gets stuck to other dishes before they are done. The drain doesn't work well, and there is always a puddle of water at the bottom of the dishwasher.
Happiness: Doing dishes by hand. My natural side of me was getting hee-beed by the puddle of dirty water that kept getting swirled around in the next load of dishes. I began to wonder if the detergent ever drained. Were we eating dishwasher detergent and dirty water and three-week leftover food on all our plates? My natural side of me wouldn't have it.
Until we can get the dishwasher figured out with our manager, I have been doing all of our dishes by hand. At first I felt annoyed. But the last week or so, I have discovered that I LOVE DOING DISHES by HAND! It is very therapeutic for me. I think a lot while I am doing dishes. I see the sunshine and birds fly by as I am doing the dishes. I actually love it! So I am not sure if I want the dishwasher fixed or not. :)
Heartache: Blaine working Spud Harvest Blaine got a job for a month and a half working Spud Harvest. After this job, I appreciate farmers a lot more. He has had to wake up at 4 a.m. to be to work at 5 a.m. this past week. He has worked 14 hour days! He has been tired and worn out and exhausted.
Happiness: Blaine working Spud Harvest That being said about Spud Harvest, it really has been a HUGE blessing! Blaine's long hours pay more than a regular, non-career job, both hourly and overall because he is working looooonnng hours. He has a job right now, and for that we are grateful. It is a blessing to have something while we are figuring things out right now. Not only has he had a job, but we had got a tour of how Spud Harvest works, have gotten to ride in a potato truck while it is being filled with potatoes, and have gotten lots of free potatoes, (some or which have been awesome shapes I might add!)
Heartaches: Our kids growing up. Often times I look at my sweet little babies and feel very inadequate to be their mother. I hope that they are not being ruined by my weaknesses and impatience. I see them grown and see their childhood slip away all too quickly. I wonder if I am living life to the fullest with these two little angels Heavenly Father has blessed me with. They are not perfect, and neither am I, but I sure hope I am enjoying them while I have this abundance of time with them.
Happiness: Our kids growing up. That being said about having a hard time with my kids growing up, I love seeing them grow up sometimes. I love seeing Afton talking and running around. I love the hilarious things that Hyrum says. Just today at breakfast, we were having a conversation about his nursery teacher Sister M. It went something like this:
- Hyrum: I just want to eat Sister M.
- Me: Why do you say that?
- Hyrum: I just love Sister M. so much that I want to eat her!
- Hyrum: I love big womens who make me pancakes and oatmeal and mush and pancakes for breakrist!
The snapshots below show some more happy-nesses in our life lately! Here's to HAPPINESS!
|Toenail party with Afty|
|Father n' Sons snapshot|
|Potato Truck Fun|
|Ready for Bed|
|Hanging out in the toyshelf when we were re-organizing their room|
|Hyrum excited about his nursery picture|
|Little School girl-just got this jean skirt from a friend which was an answer to prayer. I have wanted one for such a long time but they are so expensive for little girls!|
|I love this time of year with my hubby! It is always extra romantic because it is the season we met and fell in love!|
|My new dress and shoes-Both thrifted from D.I. Dress: $6, Shoes $3|
|Put them in their beds for quiet time one day. Came into check on them and found this!|
|Afton is growing so big!|
|Home after our favorite walk. Fall weather is perfect for these!|
|Mama is feeling great after that work-out! I am trying to show you my cool shoes!|
|Here's to one cool pair of shoes! They make me feel happy!|